Remember what life was like as a teenager? I cannot imagine anyone eager to go through that again!
In adolescence, hormonal changes happen rapidly. It’s a time charged with sudden self-awareness and internal conflict. There seems to be a social battlefield at every turn. Remember wanting to be your own person but also desperately needing to fit in? We were filled with excruciating fears and questions about ourselves. Am I normal? Does anyone like me? Who am I? Am I stupid?
The teen years are a time of extensive physical and psychological changes, stress, and vulnerability—regardless of gender identity. Most teens go through multiple identities during adolescence. The athlete, the rebel, the scholar, the clown—exploring these can be crucial for self discovery.
Adolescents have multiple external voices coming at them at once—parents, teachers, ministers, media, social media, peers—their own voice can be so easily drowned out. With that much daily pressure, a teenager’s self-trust is on the line, making it hard to discern between peer pressure and genuine desire. Natural experimentation includes questions of gender and sexuality, especially since today’s environment is more open.
While I’m excited and hopeful for gay/trans kids today, I am concerned about something I’ve come to refer to as the specialness of being gay/trans. From what I observe, the lengths to which some go to make these young people feel seen, heard and protected seems excessive. It has become celebratory to be gay in a way that I’m not sure sends the right message.
Historically, LGBTQIA+ Pride parades, celebrations, commemorations, letters, all came from the need to push back against persecution and marginalization. It was how we signaled and supported one another in order to survive. Has the pendulum now swung too far?
I wonder, have parents and educators become so focused on inclusion that they have inadvertently started to exclude others? While gay/trans kids are disproportionately being doted upon and celebrated, I worry that some of the other kids might feel plain, ordinary, or less interesting. Could a desire to be special nudge some to question their own natural identity as a straight and cisgender youth?
I’ve witnessed this gay/trans specialness regularly at the gym. The kids often come with their parents “in tow.” I say it that way intentionally. I’ve noticed that some of the parents seem a little lost and treat their gay/trans kids with extravagance. To put it bluntly, the parents “do what they’re told.” I’ve observed these kids taking advantage of their parents in a way that doesn’t seem like normal adolescent sassiness. There’s something unbalanced going on there, and I feel my heart going out to the parents. Are they getting the support they need? Are the people they reach out to for support offering them sound advice or are they getting one of the extremes—radical activism or religious morality? I think we may already have too many kids in coffins as a result of either of those extremes. I get that parents want their kid(s) to like them, they want to be cool, open-minded and progressive. But parents need tools just like their teen does, and the courage to know themselves in the process.
I’ve watched the celebrated gay-themed series, Heartstopper. It’s very cute, fun and innocent. I cannot imagine what my own adolescent life would have been like had I gone to an open school and had a group of gay friends. When I was outed at 14—at school—I was suspended for a month!
In Heartstopper, I appreciate that they do depict the bullying aspect that undoubtedly happens, and the need for a strong friend group among the gay/trans kids, but there’s still this level of specialness that bugs me. Am I reliving memories of the despair I felt as a young person, having never experienced any kind of validation or support? Maybe. But again, the other kids in the cast that are not gay seem somewhat distant, daft, unimportant or mean spirited. In schools where Pride month, rainbow flags and clubs are abundant, are there some straight, cisgender kids wondering where they fit into things? Has one form of exclusion shifted to another? It troubles me. All kids want to feel special, cool and accepted.
I worry that certain vulnerable kids might feel drawn to the festive and welcoming gay/trans environment at their school or elsewhere. I actually witnessed this in gay bars way back when being gay was not even close to being socially acceptable. Several vulnerable straight people told me they felt more comfortable in gay bars because the gay bars were more fun, open and accepting. There’s nothing wrong with that, unless, as was too often the case, there is some serious underlying reason for the feelings of isolation. I’ve seen a lot of violence and heartache come from those situations. It’s understandable how a socially awkward or marginalized kid might be drawn to specialness and become confused about their own identity.
All kids—all humans for that matter—seek to belong. People thrive on group identity. For young people in particular, there is an alluring appeal to having a special status. Might that encourage behavior that is less about identity, and more about cultural performance?
While I think my concerns about gay/trans specialness are legitimate, I do think that young people are trying to figure out their place in the world and it’s perfectly fine to allow them to dress in a way that suits them. If a boy wants to dress “feminine” or a girl wants to dress “masculine” I think it’s healthy and a great way for them to experience different perspectives.
In my more idealistic moments, I hope we will see a future where we transcend the LGBTQIA letters and rainbow flags as important and celebrated markers in our history. Perhaps they were meant for a time, to point us to a better and harmonious way of living. Could we evolve to a place where human identity is accepted in all its variations, where all humans are special?
Indeed that would be transcendent.
